Hydro Team: The Search for Minerals

Sherry was the newest member of the team

Her first name had a similar spelling

To Chuck Berry's last name

And boy could we use some Chuck Berry right now

The initial exploration was to, well, explore the lake bottom

The team consisted of Sherry (she was new) and Jack Housen (a singer-songwriter from Claremont, California)

They started their mission at the top of the lake

After being lucky enough to find an abandoned boat

The oars were chipped and there was evidence of dried witch afterbirth on the seat cushions

But it was a good boat and Jack couldn't stifle the song he began to sing:

The We Seek Water Minerals Theme

I am a member of a specialized team

Doing important yet dangerous work

Though the song was quite short

He sang it with conviction

That brought a tear to Sherry's eye

They made love that night in the boat

But the dried witch afterbirth from the crunchy boat cushions

Had unknowingly (to Sherry and Jack, but not us) infected Sherry with witch-virus

To be continued...

What's With Vinnie? A Comic Exploration of the Driving Forces that, um,Drive Human Behavior

Vinnie's cough started out as a tickle at the back of his throat

His first reaction was to deny he was getting a cough

The next morning his throat was so sore and swollen he couldn't swallow

The glands on his neck were Jerry Lewis puffy

Though his thoughts were foggy he was able to remember why he was in Portugal 

Vinnie stood from the bed and almost collapsed when his fevered blood followed gravity's cues

And rushed downward like electricity to ground

He regained his balance and briefly envied the laws of physics

Before the world in front of him turned from colorless fireworks to black fuzz

Vinnie knew he had died but was no longer welcomed in the world of senses

His body was discovered two days later after the guests across the hall

Complained of a smell they described as a cross between rancid Parmesan

And cat farts

The hotel housekeeper rifled through his belongings before alerting the authorities

She scored a couple one-hundred dollar bills from his money belt

And a bottle of strange looking prescription pills that caught the light

In such a way that it was impossible to discern their true color

She looked at Vinnie with pity because she knew he was not blameless for his death

Yet she felt kind of bad for him anyway

He wasn't a bad looker (other than being dead and having a Jerry Lewis puff-neck)

She popped one of the vibrant, color-confused pills in her mouth and swallowed it dry

As she walked down to the lobby she felt a tickle at the back of her throat

Superstorm 2: The Movie

I want the film to be set in Las Vegas

And the whole thing unfolds through the eyes

Of a guy without a Las Vegas name

Who watches the superstorm

On television

From his economy suite at the Luxor

We'll call him Vinny for now

So Vinny basically, over the course of four days

Watches most of the world get destroyed

While trying to repair the fractured relationship with his adult son

By text messaging back and forth

Throughout the storm

And through their near-reconciliation

Vinny discovers that his son, Tony, is part of an elite paramilitary unit

That is using chemtrails and advanced weather weapons developed by the United Nations

To create and manage the superstorm

The movie ends when Vinny comes to terms with the fact

That he and Tony can never be close

The last screenshot is the final text that Vinny sends to Tony before shutting off his phone:

: (

San Antonio Dam Reconciliation Doctrine, Phase Two

We were years apart in age

But her maturity made a kind of clanging sound

That played upon my neurons and cochlea to remind me of my insignificance

(insignificance being overused once again in, well, a document or chunk of writing)

And as she scanned the dam for tolerance fractures (I just made that up. I have no idea what a tolerance fracture would be or what significance, if it were a real thing, it would have on a structure like a dam), I noticed she was made out of solid copper

It had been years since the San Antonio Dam Reconciliation Council had sent a copper woman to check on my work, let alone clang my cochlea

She found three problems with the dam and I had to write three corrective action plans to address the problems with both a timeframe and budgetary analysis and breakdown of labor and parts cost

The copper woman left and I knew I would be quite busy for the next six weeks or so

Gasquet Waterman's Filter Plan

Riverbugs had used their protective toxins in unison

As if they had been warned by either radio or sonar

About the Gasquet Waterman's filter plans

The poisons turned the river a milky orange

And several groups of steelhead were seen protesting

Holding signs that made no sense

Except maybe to other fish

The locals who depended upon the river's water

Found out Waterman's wife had warned the riverbugs

They had seen her laboratory and could picture her with wires

Building either a radio or sonar while quietly singing "The Riverbug Song"

Riverbug Song

I build these devices

To warn you of a plan

To filter you out of existence

According to the Waterman

He thinks he will be doing good

He sees you as a blight

So I must warn you, riverbugs

To make an even fight

Riverbugs release your toxins

Take your river back

You must coordinate and organize

And plan out your attack

The Waterman felt betrayed at first

Upon learning who warned the bugs

His wife explained that his filter plans

Were shortsighted and ecologically flawed

The Gasquet Waterman swallowed his pride

And admitted his filter plan was potentially dangerous

So he used her radio or sonar to contact the riverbugs

To tell them there would be no filter

And asked them to stop releasing their toxins

The milky orange water eventually cleared

And the steelhead stopped their protest

The locals were happy once again

That the riverbugs had foiled the Gasquet Waterman's filter plan

Depth Charge

The townspeople said that a witch gave birth in a boat

And threw the newborn into the lake

The lake upon which the boat with the witch was sitting

What happened then

Was that the witch's baby sank like a stone to the bottom of the lake

And chewed through the lake bottom to the center of the Earth

To join the thriving Witch-Baby Community Activities Colony

Where each and every witch-baby has an equal voice

Regarding the governance of their deep underground dwelling

The townspeople killed the witch when she arrived back on shore

Beating her to death with lacquered wooden oars

The witch did not scream or attempt to resist her fate

Because she had done her part to create a true meritocracy

At the center of the Earth

Kufra Basin Aquifers and Dr. Joe Gannon's Destructive Influence

I woke up this morning thinking I had lost my humanity

After a cup of coffee and some time to reflect

I came to the chilling realization

My humanity had remained intact

It permeates all I do and say and think

But for a brief moment this morning

Innocence and freedom seemed possible

Taking on Water, Phase Two

I push a shopping cart full of groceries

Into a crematorium

There is a woman wearing oversized goggles

That extend into a white draped hood

Her gloves are thick like phonemen used to wear

And she does the thing I hate the most

She tries to help by grabbing one side of the cart and guiding it

As if I lack the ability to steer a fucking shopping cart

I tell her to let go and she refuses, saying "This is my crematorium."

So now I have an overly gloved goggle-faced inverse Darth Vader lady

Trying to pull MY shopping cart full of MY groceries

Toward the first of three industrial-sized ovens

I take a moment to notice the strength of goggle-lady's grip on the cart

And realize she is pulling the cart toward the opening door of the first oven

As I struggle and lose my grip

I know that none of these products will survive

Once they are in the oven

She wins the battle and we both watch the immolation

Through the smoky glass window of oven #1

Once it is finished I turn to leave and nod a slow and deliberate "yes"

When she instructs me to return tomorrow

Win a Free Spa

She entered the drawing because of the photograph

Of a beautiful clay spa with steaming frothy water

And she inadvertently won by not being chosen

Because the clay spa was full of boiling ammonia

And the winner of the contest is always killed

Why do people climb into clay spas full of boiling ammonia?

Because they win the drawing

And winning feels good

Libya: Before and After

We sent the dispatch team to Libya
This was a while ago when things were not political
The team reached the village they had been sent to, hell, dispatch I guess
They were met by obese white kids
Mostly boys, but all had fully formed breasts
Few of the strange young, mostly male, white Libyans wore shirts
The few that did were wearing Fruit of the Loom brand v-necks
Satisfied, the dispatch team returned to base

Taking On Water

the feelings and misgivings of the others around me
radiate out in waves
and rather than push through my permeated covering
they stop just outside of me
and wait
from anger ghosts and trust ghouls
love wisps and sorrow flies
they wait because there is no more room in me
and there will be no vacancies any time soon